This seems to be a moody, contemplative day. Have a glance inside my head. This is real talk.
- I’m feeling twitchy, sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by stuff. We moved lots of things out of the upstairs bedrooms to facilitate the carpet project on Tuesday; when the guys left yesterday we headed off to a fellowship night at church and didn’t put everything away. Today they are working on the stairs themselves, so we can’t haul things back up. I am trapped in piles of mess, and my OCD-senses are tingling.
- I don’t cope well when I have many tasks to do in a short time frame. My temper snaps and sizzles close to the surface. This is my biggest struggle in this season of life. I need to find a way to release the stress and anger. Rationally I know it’s pointless; spiritually I know it’s sin. A good word from the Apostle Paul: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” (Romans 7:15-20)
- These last two weeks of summer vacation before our big kids start school remind me of the end of pregnancy… I am looking forward to the new season, to all the excitement of first days and meeting teachers and buying supplies. I feel stuck and draggy, waiting around for The Big Day, not able to do anything to hasten its arrival. And I’m also weepy and sad, mourning the loss of the old way of being and behaving. I already miss them, and they’re not even gone. I already worry about how Abigail will handle their absence. It’s a season of zwischen, and zwischen brings aches and growing pains.
- We spent a couple of hours last night hanging out with our small group from church. We shared a meal and played Scattergories, and laughed and talked. I need more of that in my life – time to just be, as a person – not in my roles of mother or of wife or of doctor’s wife or expert on anything.